14. Baby I'm Perfect For You
He first met her when he was 11. She was 9—all loud screeches and would never shut up about her favourite Nickelodeon shows, which was Hey Arnold. She laughed at even the smallest joke Kramer said with her whole face and body (Well, he laughed too just because he liked Seinfield but she didn't stop laughing for half an hour and that is sick). She thought that Mathilda Lando, of all girls on earth, was the cutest, and she once cried her eyes out when he quite literally broke his leg from one of his earliest basketball tournaments.
He would never understand her.
Even until now when he was 19 and she's 17.
He would never understand why she laughed too loud and cried too hard and loved too much.
But it was okay.
It was okay because she smiled more than she cried and nothing else mattered and everything's fucking perfect with just them sitting next to one another—talking and whispering and telling lies and telling truths and laughing and crying and yelling and complaining (So much, on his part) and also falling (in love, on his part, and into place, on everything's).
***
He remembered that one night when she stormed into his room crying for being called ugly by a bunch of dickheads in her class more than everything. That was like a lifetime ago, and he usually forgot things but he did remember how it was cold outside and how he was at a loss for words, because how come she was ugly?
He remembered how bad it felt in his chest as he got out of his bed and how was this ugly? Her sobbing in her Sulley Sullivan onesie with her nose red from the cold. How the fuck was that ugly? Though the cry wasn't exactly pleasing to hear but she's still easily the prettiest sight he'd ever seen.
He scooped her up in a hug soon and promised to get back at those jerks for her.
She laughed at that, pulling away from him and looked up with her usual scolding eyes, "don't"
"They're lying, and… nobody…. nobody shall tell lies y'know."
"It wasn't a lie, it just… hurts" he remembered the anger swelling up his chest, but also her, resting her forehead against his chest for the fear of breaking into another puddle of tears, and instead of deadass slaughter a man, he only let out a whisper, "It's a lie"
It's bullshit, he wanted to say, the biggest he'd ever heard in his whole life, "--you're not ugly,"
And he was not lying, though it clearly was an understatement to say it that way, he knew when she let out a faint laugh with her nose and cheeks red and eyes teary that she's a fucking angel, he wanted to say that out loud because she did look like an angel with her brown locks disheveled and eyes big and smile so brilliant like that but she cut him off with a whisper, something along the lines of, "thanks."
(It took him by surprise just how right it sounded falling out from his lips)
(Has her voice always been this beautiful?)
(He wanted to hear her say his name like that over and over again but he had only thought about that).
and so he didn't tell her anything about angels or their reincarnates.
They just stared at each other for what felt like 12 years (of course on his part) before she decided to wrap herself around him and laughed, a bit sad, a bit faint, but still as beautiful as ever that eventhough he was never religious, he started to believe in heaven.
(with it opening up like this in front of him, how could he dare not?)
***
On her twelfth birthday, he gave her a flower. She had looked at it for few seconds before taking it with a mutter of "thank you,"
He smiled at him but he's too taken aback to return it. His heart raced and pounded so hard against his ribs he swore it's going to jump out of his chest soon and he's going to die.
He's so ready to puke when she stood on his toes and kissed the tip of his nose. And it's perfect, really, but also very fucking crazy, very fucking wrong, because she's only twelve and he's fourteen and they should be platonic but he didn't feel platonic at all about all of this and fuck, fuck, she's only twelve, and worse, he felt like he's just taken advantage of his bestfriend who has yet to graduate from elementary school.
"hey," she whispered, cutting whatever was playing in his head off, taking the boy's hand in her much smaller one and held onto it like it's a lifeline and maybe it simply was.
"yeah?" he whispered back.
"Let's get married when we get older."
And of course that's all she had to say. He didn't say anything as he looked down at her all wordless, his eyes raked down her expression—as if to look for something, if it was another sick joke, but her smile didn't falter one bit, and he had nodded before he knew.
Her smile grew even wider he thought her face was going to break, but when he told her, sge only laughed and he felt all sick again and also scared at this point.
But he didn't feel wrong, somehow, like he knew all along.
***
At the age of 16, when she was 14 and she had cried in the restroom instead of eating her lunch, he found out and asked whether they failed her in Math or if she fell on something.
She stuttered a few words of "i'm okay" and tried to explain to the older that it was nothing, that it was just their classmates who used to call her ugly back in sixth grade, but this time it just went out of hand and it hurted her a bit but it's okay anyway because "i'd get used to that," she then smiled up at him, eyes turned into crescents and somehow he just figured it out, that it was the same jerks who made her cry years ago and he didn't think twice, sped downstairs and into her class to search the faces he already knew in the back of his head, been wanting to do this since forever.
He broke their nose as soon as he saw them, punched them everywhere like a wounded animal and she had come trying to stop him but he only did when they were all over the floor coughing blood (and by them it means him included).
The teachers came shortly thereafter, she shouted a thing or two about how the senior didn't mean any of these, but they still called his parents up and he's suspended for two weeks is all.
She didn't know he was fucking glad.
"I didn't remember asking you to do anything for me"
She had learned honorifics then, he only winced, not even giving half a shit about anything that is not her trying to band-aid his scraped forehead (because it fucking hurted) (no, not because she looked cute) (not at all) (he's not a pervert).
"didn't do that for you," he groaned eventually before he's losing it all and she clicked his tongue, folding her arms in front of her chest, as if it was some bullshit excuse, he sighed, it was some bullshit excuse.
"I can't see you hurt like that okay? you were fucking crying"
"Now that you're suspended, they're gonna kill me for what you did"
"I'll take you to school and wait for you then"
She took a short intake of breath as she suppressed the smile that threatened to break across her face and instead, let out a majestic laugh, wrapping her arms around his neck.
He smiled against her shoulder, liked the sound of her laugh more than anything in this goddamn world and couldn't help but think that she deserves the whole world.
***
On the day when his mother died and everyone told him not to cry, she had held him so tight, dampening his hair and shoulder with tears.
"It's okay, i got you." She sobbed. He didn't want to cry but she kept whispering to him that it was okay to cry and he's so happy that the younger was sad for him. He had cried since last night, it's his mother goddamn it he cried his eyes out but his mother's dead and she's going to stay that way for… forever and fuck now this is sad he's going to cry except he is already crying, along with her in some sobfest shit.
They're hugging. And they're both crying and he remembered how his mother liked her tea. He remembered how she would laugh at his lame jokes. How she would tell him that he can do whatever he wants. And it's only now he feels his chest is going to explode because he realized she's gone. for all eternity.
"it's okay. it's okay. we're alright. you're alright. i got you. i got you"
and that's all he needed to hear.
***
He will never understand her and why she means so much to him. Even until now when he's 19 and she's 17.
But he understands one thing: He will never be able to live without her.
***
[this was meant to be yoonmin]
He would never understand her.
Even until now when he was 19 and she's 17.
He would never understand why she laughed too loud and cried too hard and loved too much.
But it was okay.
It was okay because she smiled more than she cried and nothing else mattered and everything's fucking perfect with just them sitting next to one another—talking and whispering and telling lies and telling truths and laughing and crying and yelling and complaining (So much, on his part) and also falling (in love, on his part, and into place, on everything's).
***
He remembered that one night when she stormed into his room crying for being called ugly by a bunch of dickheads in her class more than everything. That was like a lifetime ago, and he usually forgot things but he did remember how it was cold outside and how he was at a loss for words, because how come she was ugly?
He remembered how bad it felt in his chest as he got out of his bed and how was this ugly? Her sobbing in her Sulley Sullivan onesie with her nose red from the cold. How the fuck was that ugly? Though the cry wasn't exactly pleasing to hear but she's still easily the prettiest sight he'd ever seen.
He scooped her up in a hug soon and promised to get back at those jerks for her.
She laughed at that, pulling away from him and looked up with her usual scolding eyes, "don't"
"They're lying, and… nobody…. nobody shall tell lies y'know."
"It wasn't a lie, it just… hurts" he remembered the anger swelling up his chest, but also her, resting her forehead against his chest for the fear of breaking into another puddle of tears, and instead of deadass slaughter a man, he only let out a whisper, "It's a lie"
It's bullshit, he wanted to say, the biggest he'd ever heard in his whole life, "--you're not ugly,"
And he was not lying, though it clearly was an understatement to say it that way, he knew when she let out a faint laugh with her nose and cheeks red and eyes teary that she's a fucking angel, he wanted to say that out loud because she did look like an angel with her brown locks disheveled and eyes big and smile so brilliant like that but she cut him off with a whisper, something along the lines of, "thanks."
(It took him by surprise just how right it sounded falling out from his lips)
(Has her voice always been this beautiful?)
(He wanted to hear her say his name like that over and over again but he had only thought about that).
and so he didn't tell her anything about angels or their reincarnates.
They just stared at each other for what felt like 12 years (of course on his part) before she decided to wrap herself around him and laughed, a bit sad, a bit faint, but still as beautiful as ever that eventhough he was never religious, he started to believe in heaven.
(with it opening up like this in front of him, how could he dare not?)
***
On her twelfth birthday, he gave her a flower. She had looked at it for few seconds before taking it with a mutter of "thank you,"
He smiled at him but he's too taken aback to return it. His heart raced and pounded so hard against his ribs he swore it's going to jump out of his chest soon and he's going to die.
He's so ready to puke when she stood on his toes and kissed the tip of his nose. And it's perfect, really, but also very fucking crazy, very fucking wrong, because she's only twelve and he's fourteen and they should be platonic but he didn't feel platonic at all about all of this and fuck, fuck, she's only twelve, and worse, he felt like he's just taken advantage of his bestfriend who has yet to graduate from elementary school.
"hey," she whispered, cutting whatever was playing in his head off, taking the boy's hand in her much smaller one and held onto it like it's a lifeline and maybe it simply was.
"yeah?" he whispered back.
"Let's get married when we get older."
And of course that's all she had to say. He didn't say anything as he looked down at her all wordless, his eyes raked down her expression—as if to look for something, if it was another sick joke, but her smile didn't falter one bit, and he had nodded before he knew.
Her smile grew even wider he thought her face was going to break, but when he told her, sge only laughed and he felt all sick again and also scared at this point.
But he didn't feel wrong, somehow, like he knew all along.
***
At the age of 16, when she was 14 and she had cried in the restroom instead of eating her lunch, he found out and asked whether they failed her in Math or if she fell on something.
She stuttered a few words of "i'm okay" and tried to explain to the older that it was nothing, that it was just their classmates who used to call her ugly back in sixth grade, but this time it just went out of hand and it hurted her a bit but it's okay anyway because "i'd get used to that," she then smiled up at him, eyes turned into crescents and somehow he just figured it out, that it was the same jerks who made her cry years ago and he didn't think twice, sped downstairs and into her class to search the faces he already knew in the back of his head, been wanting to do this since forever.
He broke their nose as soon as he saw them, punched them everywhere like a wounded animal and she had come trying to stop him but he only did when they were all over the floor coughing blood (and by them it means him included).
The teachers came shortly thereafter, she shouted a thing or two about how the senior didn't mean any of these, but they still called his parents up and he's suspended for two weeks is all.
She didn't know he was fucking glad.
"I didn't remember asking you to do anything for me"
She had learned honorifics then, he only winced, not even giving half a shit about anything that is not her trying to band-aid his scraped forehead (because it fucking hurted) (no, not because she looked cute) (not at all) (he's not a pervert).
"didn't do that for you," he groaned eventually before he's losing it all and she clicked his tongue, folding her arms in front of her chest, as if it was some bullshit excuse, he sighed, it was some bullshit excuse.
"I can't see you hurt like that okay? you were fucking crying"
"Now that you're suspended, they're gonna kill me for what you did"
"I'll take you to school and wait for you then"
She took a short intake of breath as she suppressed the smile that threatened to break across her face and instead, let out a majestic laugh, wrapping her arms around his neck.
He smiled against her shoulder, liked the sound of her laugh more than anything in this goddamn world and couldn't help but think that she deserves the whole world.
***
On the day when his mother died and everyone told him not to cry, she had held him so tight, dampening his hair and shoulder with tears.
"It's okay, i got you." She sobbed. He didn't want to cry but she kept whispering to him that it was okay to cry and he's so happy that the younger was sad for him. He had cried since last night, it's his mother goddamn it he cried his eyes out but his mother's dead and she's going to stay that way for… forever and fuck now this is sad he's going to cry except he is already crying, along with her in some sobfest shit.
They're hugging. And they're both crying and he remembered how his mother liked her tea. He remembered how she would laugh at his lame jokes. How she would tell him that he can do whatever he wants. And it's only now he feels his chest is going to explode because he realized she's gone. for all eternity.
"it's okay. it's okay. we're alright. you're alright. i got you. i got you"
and that's all he needed to hear.
***
He will never understand her and why she means so much to him. Even until now when he's 19 and she's 17.
But he understands one thing: He will never be able to live without her.
***
[this was meant to be yoonmin]
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